Last weekend, when I was tackling some slightly overdue blog related admin, I realised that it’s been quite some time since I shared a personal, catch-up post. I spent a bit of time looking through my blog, and I think I shared my last what I’d call dedicated life update type post in June 2018. I’ve provided updates since then, but these haven’t been in dedicated posts. So, I thought it was time for me to update you. I’m in a good place at the moment and I do think that I’m finally starting to get my shit together.

Most life lately posts are short and to the point. I suspect that this post will turn into one of my essays. Please bear with me. Most life lately posts seem to start with a photo of someone looking pensive while clutching a cup of coffee. I hate coffee and I don’t have any photos of me looking pensive so here’s a photo that was taken several Christmases ago. I look a little merry because I’d just returned from the Barley Mow pub in Marylebone.

Work – If you follow me on Instagram then you probably noticed me sharing quite a few job-related updates. As I said in my previous post, I can’t go into too much detail here for obvious reasons, but the first few weeks in July were stressful. I’ve been employed on a fixed-term contract since 2018. My original fixed-term contract ended last June, but I had a successful interview last March, and started my current job when my first fixed-term contract ended. I’d been working on the assumption that this was an 18-month fixed-term contract ending in December. Not ideal given the state of the job market at the moment, but I figured I had several months to find a new job somewhere.

I was, therefore, surprised when following a conversation with my line manager, I discovered my contract was due to end at the start of September. This news completely threw me and caused a lot of stress. Sleeping at night was something other people did; I could sleep in the day, just not at night. I was feeling shattered and was struggling to focus. Add in the updates in the news about job losses, and I was struggling to see any sort of future. Fortunately, my contract has been extended. I feel lucky as so many people have lost their jobs. I’m still keeping a close watch on the job market as I don’t want to spend the rest of my career dealing with the uncertainty of fixed-term contracts.

Injury and running – I’ll keep this short and hopefully to the point. At the start of July, I completed the penultimate training session of the Couch to 5k. I ignored the pain in my left knee and what was a niggle developed into an injury. I shared my woes on Instagram.

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A post shared by Emma Neachell (@thephdrunner)

Looking back, I probably got a bit complacent with my strength and conditioning.  With my history of running injuries, running in new trainers and inserts was probably a bit naive. In an attempt to be sensible, I haven’t run since I injured my left knee. I’ve walked enough to make sure that I meet my 10,000 steps a day target, but I haven’t left first gear.

I’d love to be able to report that my niggles have cleared up and that I’m getting ready to complete the Couch to 5k. I’d love to be able to write something positive. Unfortunately, as I’m sat writing this post, my left foot is feeling a little ‘suspect’ in the exact location of my metatarsal stress fracture, my left knee is hurting, and my right heel feels sore. At least I’ve been able to get my Chicago Marathon entry fees refunded.

Family and friends – I’m not proud of what I’m about to write. I’ve always been a terrible friend, daughter, sister, aunt, godparent, and niece. I’ve been guilty of letting my anxiety rule me and I have a terrible record of dropping out of plans at the last minute. I’ve lost count of the number of people I’ve let down over the years. I don’t have many friends for a reason; no one wants to be friends with someone as unreliable as me. I’m probably one of the few people who loved lockdown. Lockdown gave me the perfect excuse for not leaving my house, for not seeing people, for living like a hermit. Lockdown also gave me a lot of time to think and made me realise that I need to change.

I started by collating a list of important birthdays. This won’t undo the damage I’ve done by forgetting birthdays in the past, but I’m hoping that I won’t forget important birthdays in the future.

I recently spent the afternoon with one of my nieces and my nephew. Luckily, the weather was perfect so we were able to sit in the garden at mum’s house. Although the main highlight was obviously getting to spend time with them both, other highlights included making perfume (and a mess) with my niece and helping my nephew create a masterpiece using Lego.

Adulting – I need to start with a confession. Although I was 41 in May, there are times I still feel (and probably act!) like I did when I was 14. There are days when I feel I’ve sussed out the whole concept of adulting. For example, last weekend I spent several hours sorting out all of the paperwork I’d got stashed in the loft. I’m a bit of a hoarder so I decided I couldn’t possibly part with any of my school reports. So, although I kept hold of a few memories, I did manage to shred four large bin bags worth of paperwork.

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There are far too many days when, to be honest, I feel like I haven’t got a clue and I’m just winging it. I had a bit of a mini-meltdown a couple of weeks ago when everything started to get on top of me. I did that very grown-up thing of crying and blaming everyone but myself. I then pulled myself together, thought about what I needed to do, and made myself a list. I love lists. My 2020 folder now contains an ‘Adulting Tasks to Complete 2020’ spreadsheet. I’m confident that I’ll cross everything off, but I suspect that it’s going to take me a while.

Buying a house – I could and probably should have included buying a house in the previous section. However, it’s been such a major cause of friction, I felt it justified a section of its own.

To talk about my current situation, I need to rewind to 2000. I’ve never owned my own house and I think it’s fair to say I’ve made some poor decisions. I probably should have used the shares my grandparents left me in 2000 to put towards a house deposit but I didn’t. I sold some shares and used some of the money to buy myself a new car and some to finance my studies. What was left of the shares remained untouched and still remain untouched. Do I have any regrets? If I’m being honest, yes I do. I’d love to be able to change the past but I can’t. During lockdown, I’ve spent far too much time wishing that I could change the past.

For the last year or so I’ve been asked a whole series of all too predictable questions. When are you going to buy a car, Emma? Do you miss driving, Emma? When are you going to get a permanent job, Emma? And, last but by no means least. When are you going to get on the property ladder, Emma? When are you going to buy a house, Emma? I wouldn’t mind, but the person questioning my past decisions never once suggested that I should get on the property ladder when I was younger. The same person has never actually had to buy a house and has never needed a mortgage. Lucky for some I guess.

Sorry, that got a bit ranty! Since the start of lockdown, I’ve managed to continue to save a large proportion of my wages each month. However, until I find myself a permanent job I’m not going to worry about what other people think as I suspect I’d struggle to get a mortgage.

Social Media – My Nan once told me that she never discussed three subjects with people she didn’t know; money, politics, and religion. I can think of a few more subjects I’d add to this list. I stepped away from Facebook a couple of weeks into lockdown and I can honestly say that I’ve not missed it at all. I was finding all of the conspiracy theories increasingly frustrating and concerning. I hate the way that we have become a country of experts. I’ll never forget the evening I was called a murderer simply because I asked for takeaway recommendations on a so-called community page.

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I’ve been spending less time on twitter because I find the constant negativity draining. Twitter seems to contain a whole army of people with far, far too much time on their hands. This army of people seems determined to spread negativity. The whole #BeKind campaign didn’t last long. I’ve not given up on all forms of social media as I’ve caught the Instagram bug again. Don’t get me wrong, I know that Instagram is far from perfect, but it seems to feel ‘safer’ than Facebook and Twitter. My sister and sister-in-law both post loads of photos of my nieces and nephew on Instagram so I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything.

Blogging – I thought I’d end with some thoughts about the future of this blog. I started this blog in March 2013 when I was a full-time research student. I was also a runner. I couldn’t think of a more catchy or imaginative name so decided to call my blog ‘The PhD Runner’. This was perfect while I was a PhD student, but looking back I wish I’d picked a better name. I’ve thought about renaming my blog but frankly, the whole process looks like a lot of hassle and I can’t be bothered.

Recently, I’ve thought about calling it a day when it comes to blogging. I’ve even drafted out my final post. Although people are still reading what I write, I’ve lost my blogging mojo. After spending 8+ hours a day Monday to Friday staring at a computer screen, I’ve felt the need to give my eyes a break in the evenings. I’ve got a lot to thank blogging for including support, memories, photos, and some amazing friendships. But, is this enough?

I’ve never any money from blogging. Until quite recently I felt fine about this as I have a full-time job and blogging is a hobby. However, in the last couple of months, I’ve started valuing my free time. So, when I receive an email from a PR stating that they “love my blog” and that they’d “love to collaborate”, I’ve started to ask if there’s a budget. It’s amazing how many don’t respond to what is a straightforward question. I find it incredibly rude.

Apologies for what turned into a rather lengthy catch-up post. I do feel much better for writing this post.

What have you been up to recently?

Do you sometimes wish that you could change the past?

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