I have a feeling that this post is going to be incredibly negative so please feel free to close the page. I’m only writing about how I’ve been feeling recently as I’ve always tried to be honest and open as a blogger.
I always try to be positive as a person. Unfortunately, recent events have left me feeling a bit lost and completely alone. I’m 38 and should be able to cope with all the crap in my life, but for some reason, I can’t. I feel like my life is completely out of control at the moment and I don’t like it.
Last month, my close friend and mentor was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Although I’ve kept in contact with him via text messages and emails, he’s rarely able to speak to me and I doubt that I’ll get the opportunity to see him again. I’m going to sound incredibly selfish, but I miss having someone sensible to talk to, having someone to turn to for advice and having someone who always made me laugh.
I just want the opportunity to say ‘thank-you’ and ‘goodbye’.
After sending off dozens of applications and attending several interviews, I was finally offered a 12-month temporary assignment doing a similar job to my previous job. I’m aware that I should be thrilled that someone has been prepared to ‘take a chance’ on me and to offer me a job. However, I haven’t worked in an office environment for several years and whenever I think about having to relocate, find somewhere to live etc I start to feel myself getting stressed out.
I’ve got so much respect for people who are brave enough to relocate to a completely different country. I’m 38, and at the moment the prospect of moving the relatively short distance from Birmingham to Oxford is giving me anxiety attacks.
I know that I should be pleased I’ve got the opportunity to make a fresh start, to meet new people and to (hopefully) make new friends. Unfortunately, at the moment I’m scared that I won’t be able to cope with the job, won’t make any friends and will end up returning home after a couple of months.
The festive period is already starting to stress me out and it’s only November. I’m completely skint and have no money to spend on Christmas presents for my friends and family. The fact that it’s my own fault for spending four years doing a PhD and another two years searching for jobs makes me feel terrible. I feel like I’ve let people down.
Finally, I’m 38 and single and I feel completely alone. I’m scared that I’ll be left on the shelf forever and will end up living alone with only cats for company. My mentor used to tell me that he knew loads of people who were “single by choice” and were “perfectly happy” living alone. However, I’m not single by choice and I’m starting to hate living on my own. The vast majority of my friends either live miles away or are married, have children and rarely have the time for a ‘girls’ night out’.
I’m all too aware that my family knows that I’m incredibly unhappy at the moment and are worried about me. I know that they mean well, but this just makes me feel like I’m a burden and a failure.
Hopefully, the combination of starting a new job in January, getting some routine back into my life and meeting new people will help get me out of the huge rut I’m stuck in at the moment. I just need to be brave enough to move out of my comfort zone.
Have you ever felt completely lost?
What advice would you give?